In your late 20's and/or early to late 30's you have dated enough... (perhaps even been married and divorced) to know what it is that you want in a relationship. When you are in your teens and early 20's, dating someone for 3, 4, 5 years is not as big of a deal. But for some reason when you are older, you spend way more time with your significant other... perhaps you even live together. Spending that much time with someone allows you to get to know everything about that person in a shorter period of time. There is no reason to date someone for more than 2 years and "not know" if he/she is the one. By this time in our lives, we know what we want out of a mate and after a year of dating, definitely know if they are the one to marry. Women seem to have more of an instinct in knowing..... but most men really do know, they are just more hesitant to accept what they are feeling.
If your guy does not want to commit, feels everything is going just fine, does not agree that things should progress and is happy with it being stagnant, then this is your sign he is not ready to commit. Move along. Take this as a red-flag. All relationships need to be moving in a forward direction and growing and going somewhere. Ask yourself, "where is this going?"
Do not give into the man's idea of taking a break. There is no such thing as "taking a break". Really? What does that mean? I will tell you what it means..... it means "I think you are awesome, but not awesome enough to make a commitment to, so let's break up and then if the grass really isn't greener on the other side, then we could give it another go."
You need a mental "deadline".... this is a deadline you keep to yourself (maybe tell your best friend), but pick a date and decide that if the relationship has not progressed accordingly or you are not getting what you want from this relationship, then you are done. Become Empowered! Quit allowing the needs and desires you want to be swept under the rug. You have to realize this is not just an issue about "marriage", it is an issue about whether or not he/she is really serious about growing your relationship..... now and perhaps forever.
I have known people that date guys for 4, 5, 6 years and still have no commitment from them. I ask the girl if she wants to be married and have a family... 9 times out of 10, she says "yes, I just do not understand why he doesn't". It is because he is just not that into you! Actually, there are a LOT more underlying issues that he is not dealing with... that will eventually come out if you do get married...... address them now! Address these deeply rooted issues.... counseling perhaps? You could be saving yourself from a lifetime of heartache or an ugly divorce.
My (now) father in law gave me six months to figure out if I wanted to marry his daughter. I shortened it to three, and six months later we were married.
ReplyDeleteYou're absolutely right about deadlines, I always counsel single men I know to make a deadline and stick by it. It only takes a guy six months to know all he needs to know to make a choice, anything more than that and he is wasting the girls time.
It's not that hard, you're either willing to commit or not. Why do we insist in over complicating things?
just found you thru the blogluxe (i'm nom. under funniest for: chinamommy...FYI :)
ReplyDeleteLOVE your blog!! i'm going to go vote for you!! boy do i have a GREAT story for you... i'll be back! have a great day!!
~misschell aka: chinamommy
http://chinamommy04.blogspot.com/
I also found you through blogluxe...just wish I'd come across this when I was in my 20s and dating! Right on advice!
ReplyDelete"All relationships need to be moving in a forward direction and growing and going somewhere. Ask yourself, "where is this going?"
ReplyDeletePlease explain why this is so, because I assure that I speak for many, many responsible, respectable, healthy men when I call shennanigans.
Do you realize what a soul-sapping beatdown that attitude is for a guy? That that mindset can turn off guys who ARE truly into you?
Your assertion is myopic and cliched.
"It only takes a guy six months to know all he needs to know to make a choice, anything more than that and he is wasting the girls time."
ReplyDeleteBrian, two things:
I highly doubt that you are really a man, and if so, that you are straight.
Not trying to be a troll or anything, really, but this notion that you can make up your mind about someone in 6 months is ridiculous.
Okay, this quote is suspiciously feminine as well:
"It's not that hard, you're either willing to commit or not."
BS. It's not that simple, either.
Mystery Man BT: Emotionally healthy men that have a high capacity to love will know within 6 months if that person is someone worth being in an exclusive, committed relationship with. By no means am I saying that they need to run off and get married after 6 months. From my experience (as well as MANY stories I have heard from male and female friends, etc.) is that within 1-2 years of dating someone you know if that person is one you want to be with forever. Relationships that linger on longer are because one of the parties is not healthy enough to commit or not healthy enough to deal with their past issues/fears in order to commit. Once past issues and baggage are properly dealt with, then someone doesn't need 3, 4, 5 years dating someone to determine their love for them. When they have emotional "blockage", then yes... "it's not that simple" to open yourself up and love someone.
ReplyDeleteBut why is there always this push push push to be taking it to the next level? Why is it imperative for a healthy relationship to never be satisfying unless there is a rapid ascent "to the next level" and "where we are going with this" and whatnot?
ReplyDeleteI think that women sabotage a lot of relationships that DO have a future by ferociously adhering to this not always necessary maxim.
Men need space. Even when we love you. And we don't need it any less when we love you, either, as hard as that may be to relate to.
Another thing I haven't seen you address, but bears mention: Sometimes a guy just isn't in the right place in his life to "take it to the next level." AT THAT MOMENT. That doesn't mean he isn't "emotionally healthy with a high capacity to love." Or suffering from "emotional blockage." Consequently, I find this statement to be utterly bogus:
"Relationships that linger on longer are because one of the parties is not healthy enough to commit or not healthy enough to deal with their past issues/fears in order to commit."
I agree, 3 years+ is plenty of time to gauge, but I'm not so sure I agree with your 6 months is plenty of time to know premise. You need at least a year, maybe more, because people are always on their best behavior for close to that time period.
I think you are spinning your wheels a little, because it seems like you are expecting men to think like you do, and then assigning blame/fault to their decisions and actions based on your own expectations of how they should perceive those acts. And we don't think like you. And just because we don't see the world through the same lense you do, doesn't mean we be wrong and you be right.
There is no "rush" to push things to the next level, it is natural progression. Any good relationship must have growth... the growth leads to a serious relationship, which eventually leads to marriage or dies. It can easily die when it becomes stagnant and no growth takes place. Back to the 6 month thing.... if you read my post, I said 6 months is plenty of time to decide if you want to be exclusive.... 1-2 years to know if you want to marry.
ReplyDeleteI agree, there are men that are not "in the right place in their life" to take it to the next level. A man has to be secure in who he is and what he does for a living before he can be secure in a relationship. Men that do not feel financial secure in being able to take care of their mate, put off taking things to the next level and blame it on "bad timing". These are the men I am not looking for. Men that are secure in themselves and their careers are looking for the same thing. I have many friends that have married them.
I am definitely not spinning my wheels, just weeding out those that do not know who they are or what they want.