Categories

I have dated all sorts of men and have decided to compile a list of descriptions of the majority of guys I have dated. Now... there are a number of categories men fall into, it just so happens these were the top categories I keep coming across.

1. The Emotionally Unavailable: This is the man with a lot of baggage.... emotional baggage that is. He never has addressed issues from his past.... perhaps childhood even. He has a large wall built up... maybe for protecting himself at one point, but now does not know how to let that wall down. This man can be recently separated or divorced. The relationship starts off wonderful, he says all the right things and it is amazing... then it begins to look and feel more and more like a booty call than a relationship. He tells you that it is all about the "timing" and your timing with him just so happens to be "off".... or that he is not at the right place in his life! If he openly says he has a lot of past issues he has to deal with first, then he is not emotionally available. Quick to pursue you, then backs off once he feels he "has" you. Sends a ton of mixed signals. He is the type that will want to be "friends" with you and keep you at arms length even when you are not in a relationship together. He blames you for "pushing" the relationship. He wants you, then he doesn't. An ambivalent man.... Almost to the point of being bipolar. He dates multiple people simultaneously and historically did not have any long term girlfriends. Your love for him is not enough to change him, he needs consistent psychotherapy.......

2. The Playboy: This man is extremely cocky and thinks he could get every girl in the room. You should worry about him being so into himself. He probably has been with everyone in the room... literally. He will probably take you out, talk all about himself, wine and dine you, and of course, try and get laid. When he doesn't, he will be shocked and make you out to be the "crazy", "bad" person because he won't believe he didn't score with you! He is borderline narcissistic. Very vain, egotistical, conceited, and selfish..... He thinks he is above others and he mainly does things to look out for himself. He is a player and doesn't want a serious relationship. He is fun, attractive, built, affectionate, seductive and a great kisser. But do not let the lust fool you... he's into himself and just after a "good time"!

3. The Insecure Guy: This man is jealous of every guy that looks your way. Very controlling and can be even jealous of your own girlfriends. He ultimately has zero self esteem and at times feels he is not good enough for you. He also is someone that seems to build you up then put you down. He talks as if you are "too good" for him and then switches to say you will never find anyone as good as him. He is confused and causes confusion in your relationship. He wants you all to himself. He does not like to socialize much with your friends or other couples. He usually just wants to stay in and not do anything. His excuse will be that he wants to spend as much quality time with you as possible. The truth is, he can't stand the fact that some other guy might look your way if you are out on the town. This controlling behavior comes from his insecurity and that insecurity will not change overnight. He has to work on this on his own (without you) before you can have a healthy relationship.

4. The Non-Committal: These are the guys that are so afraid of commitment that they sabotage perfectly good relationships because after a while they feel it is headed to "marriage" and "marriage" = growing up and growing up = they have to actually be mature and responsible and this scares them shit-less. Non-Committal men are showing a sign of their immaturity. It is true. You might have a wonderful relationship, but if the man is non-committal and you do not sweep him off his feet enough to change his interests ... run! He is not going to change. You might continue to wait and wait and wait... putting everything on hold for that moment when you can finally be married to him. The reality is, he is incapable of this "committed" type relationship. So, if you want marriage in your future.... you need to look for it elsewhere.

5. The Nice Guy: Notice I put this last... yes, it really is true. The nice guys finish last. Unfortunately this is the guy that is so great on paper, there is just usually not a physical/ sexual chemistry between the two of you. He is so excited to "woo" you... take you on amazing dates and buy you things, but the entire time you are thinking you need a drink in order to continue through the date. Most of these guys put it all out there too soon... they need to slow it down and not suffocate the woman. Reason being.....he needs to make you fall in love with HIM, before the make out session begins. Most "nice guys" are so nice that they constantly put the you on a pedestal. While that is great, it needs to be gradual. When the compliments are so frequent and constant, you feel suffocated by his need to please and impress you. I still truly believe the nice guys will finish last, but will finish strong. They will be the ones celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. So for all the nice guys.... don't quit being "nice", just breathe and turn down the forwardness a notch.....

Maybe one day I might find that needle in a haystack and prove all these stereotypes wrong. And one day I might come back on here and create another category for "Prince Charming"......until then, these are the categories and stories that make up the wonderful dating life!

Detox

Breakups SUCK and here's a few lessons I've learned along the way from a bad breakup. You must detox from this bad relationship. Detox from the negativity that has invaded your life and detox from the ex.

A great breakup book by Greg & Amiira Behrendt is "It's called a Breakup because its Broken". As the book states, "The person you loved took a long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, 'No thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere.'" If he is willing to take the risk of letting you go, his love for you was never really there to begin with. If he wanted to be with you, he'd do whatever it takes to make it happen. Instead I always got the answers from my ex "I'm not ready", "I don't know". If it has been more than a year and he still "doesn't know"... then there is your answer. As painful as it may be, the answer is he does not want to be with you. Quitting him cold turkey and going through a 60-day "detox" is the fastest way to rid yourself of him and the heartache. No seeing, texting, emailing, or talking to this person for a minimum of 60 days. A great reminder from the book, "Why should you talk to the person who just broke your heart? You wouldn't go back to a job you'd just been fired from every day just to feel bad about yourself, would you?"

You have to get rid of the unhealthy people in your life in order to find the healthy. Quit hanging onto the dysfunctional men because it is "comfortable". I kept going back to my ex because it was comfortable. But did I really want comfort or passion? I wanted someone who would go to the ends of the earth to be with me. Not someone that was comfortable with me being around and never trying to "win" me over. When you are comfortable, growth can not happen. The relationship does not grow and it becomes stagnant. I finally asked myself, "Don't you want to be with a man that wants to be with you??"

Take care of yourself.... do not sink into this breakup pit! Workout, don't drink every night, don't hook up with random guys..... take care of yourself! Do not look for a quick fix to fill the void. It never works. Do not be self-destructive! Find a support system in your friends to lift you up and get you out of the house, off the couch, and out of the liquor cabinet.

The last thing you want to be is that crazy drunk girl who is sobbing at the bar telling the bartender what an ass your ex is and asking him why your ex didn't love you?!?! So put down the Jim Beam and Jack Daniels...... and give yourself a total detox.

Keep a gratitude journal... write down all the things you are thankful for and blessed with. This positive reinforcement will help prevent negative thoughts and help you when become down about your crazy ex.

Detox has to happen so you can move on to the bigger and better things God has planned for your life. Move out of the past and into the future.....

Hot and Cold

Hot and Cold..... Katie Perry described it best....

"You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up, then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up"

This describes a type of man.... the Ambivalent Man. Has anyone been in a relationship like this before? Or even dated a man who is confused, mixed up, unpredictable, unreliable, inconsistent. YET... he is so very easy to fall in love with. He is irresistible and possesses all the qualities you want in a man, yet he is incapable of committing? If you have seen sex in the city... then you know Mr. Big. Well, Mr. Big is the definition of an ambivalent man. Never sure what he wanted... he wanted Carrie, then he was over it. Back and forth and back and forth. It's no wonder I was so peeved when she ended up marrying him in the movie! UGH! NO!

My last serious relationship started out great.....everything falling into place. That was until his ambivalence came rearing its ugly head. Ambivalence is something a guy has embedded in him...... for a long time. For one reason or another, not dealing with his present issues and/or having past mother or father issues (perhaps). As much as we would like to "change" him... it might not happen. In my case, it DIDN'T HAPPEN.

I have realized it seems to be the guys that you fall for quickly. They have that charm about them that gets the girl, but then soon after become "wishy-washy". I have run into several guys like this and have realized that I should always give the 3 month or 3 time rule. One guy I went on a few dates with, didn't hear back from for several weeks, then heard from him and he wanted to go on more dates..... ok... but then the entire thing repeated. SO, obviously not again. 3x and I'm done. And if he is this unpredictable now....what in the world will he be like later. My 3 month rule goes for the infatuation period. It takes about 3 months for the "newness" and infatuation with one another to wear off. Therefore, do not get too emotionally involved with this man until you know that he is not an ambivalent man and that once the initial "newness" wears off, that he will still be around. It hurts a lot less when you give it 3 months and figure it out instead of 2 years................

Third Wheel

Vacation was fabulous! A time for some much needed relaxation. The beach was more than amazing and the weather could not have been better. Of course now that I am back in Texas, I feel like I walked into a sauna!

While on vacation, I had time to think.......I thought about life and love as I watched those around me in relationships. Here I was the "third wheel" and beginning to question if I liked it that way.... Is the third wheel really that bad? Of course it would be nice to travel with a partner and the two of you could do things together, etc.. but is single hood really as bad as people make it out to be? Was I lacking so much by having this time to myself?

Taking this time to find myself, has not been a bad process at all. Finding myself has helped me determine what qualities I deserve out of a relationship. While searching for "Mr. Right"...... I've had to understand my own personality and what I am attracted to. What are my priorities in life? What matters to me? What do I enjoy doing? I suggest everyone take some time and re-evaluate what really matters to them.... What makes you "tick"? What are you passionate about? What are your goals and dreams?

Just because I am currently the third wheel, does not mean I will always be. So, while I am... I am embracing it. I was once told "Love your circumstance" and that is exactly what I am doing.....